Our Only Means of Defense


Bwana’s profile has increased markedly in the past couple of weeks, what with his acerbic Countdown commentary and the publication of his latest book. (He promised me that his next book will be “The Best Mattress in the World.” Oh, boy!) His appearance on the Today Show was also great, but having to be up and on the air at that hour just about wrecked him. And where did NBC get those huge pieces of tofu for the furniture on the set? The American Soybean Association certainly is aggressive when it comes to product placement.


The publicity is nice in that it may help his MSNBC ratings, but the negative comments that have been tossed about are worrisome. Some of it is very hostile. Toaster is concerned that our Happy Home may come under attack. So after a number of household meetings this weekend we have decided to form a defense plan.

The moat is very imposing. It will become even more so if I can populate it with a few alligators. Or some refugee sting rays from Australia.

Trench construction around our building proceeds at a good pace. (I wonder if we were supposed to get a land use permit for all this stuff.)


Candelabra is in charge of weaponry. This will provide an effective method for hurling flaming tennis balls off the terrace at our adversaries. Gosh, if we had had something like it last year we could have taken out a lot of those dang orange curtains that cluttered up Central Park.


Teapot is preparing for the classic castle defense of boiling oil to pour on anyone who tries to scale the walls of our building. And for a nice English touch we will also have vats of steaming hot Earl Grey (lightly sugared with a touch of cream) with which to drench our attackers.


Bwana is a popular guy, so we’ve had a number of individuals volunteer to help with our Homeland Security. Personally, I don’t feel that a sponge and a starfish will strike fear into the hearts of our foes, but it will be nice to have SpongeBob and Patrick around. They’re also a good deal more expressive than the Teletubbies.

Our main ally brings with him not only a fierce, no-nonsense attitude, but also his own weapon:


Having Stewie on our side puts us in the catbird seat.


3 Comments so far
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this blog is hilarious. keep it up. btw, have you ever considered applying for a job at The Onion?

Comment by hotrod


Comment by WQE

my name is grace, i am currently doing a school project about friendship and trust, i am asking your permision to use your images.
Thank you for your time

Comment by Grace Heather

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